Could this be a good start to my first chapter?

Not all negative. I stopped reading before the end, because I had lost interest. The characters are difficult to empathise with, partly because at least one of them should have been developed a little before being flung into action, and partly because you are describing a situation that few people will have been in. The large number of short sentences is also monotonous and a bit breathless. BUT, I can't help thinking that your style would be much better suited to a film script, which could be highly successful, than to a novel.